I’ve
been tagged in A Mother’s Work Meme by More Than A Mum. The Meme was
established by Mother. Wife. Me and Pret-A-Mummy to discuss whether or not
society values and supports mothers. You can catch up on the original meme
here: http://motherwifeme.com/2012/02/23/a-mothers-work-meme/
Here
are the rules….
Rules:
Please
post the rules
Answer
the questions in as much or as little detail as suits you
Leave
a comment on mother.wife.me so we can keep track of the meme
Tag
3 people and link to them on your blog
Let
them know you tagged them
Tweet
loudly about taking part (well ok, that isn’t a rule, but how about if we start
a hashtag – #amothersworkmeme)
Questions:
1. Did you work before becoming a mum?
Yes,
I worked for nearly 15 years before becoming a mum; first in Arts Admin, then
as a teacher of English and History, mostly in prep schools, then as a school librarian and assistant
house mistress in a secondary boarding school. This was the job I was doing
when I became pregnant; it was a residential job, so it was to a flat in the
boarding house that I came home from hospital with my baby!
2. What is your current situation?
I
am now a full-time SAHM. I intended to return to work after the birth of
my first child, but I was hit by post-natal
depression, and when the time came, I lasted only one day
at work before being signed off sick. After 6 weeks of agonizing, I accepted that I needed to focus on my recovery and my family, and I resigned. My husband abandoned his PhD and focused his efforts on more
lucrative work, we cashed in our savings to tide us over, and left the school
for good.
Nearly 5 years on, we have a second child, and I’m delighted to say
the PND did not return. I have also reconciled myself to being a SAHM. It isn't easy; I don't like playing with play-dough much, and I am sometime desperate for the intellectual stimulation of an adult conversation, but I do love being with my children, and I know they will only be little
once, so I don’t want to miss it. I don’t have any back-up from nearby
relatives so I don’t know how I would cope at work when they are too ill to be left at school or nursery; and although teaching is by no
means the worst paid profession out there, the local costs of childcare would
leave me very little at the end of the month in return for all
the stress of juggling career and family. We are lucky that we can manage on my
husband’s salary, though it has meant cutting out a lot of things I used to
take for granted (like meals out, and nice hair-cuts!). I do miss the buzz of teaching, and the staffroom friendships, but there will be time to return to that later, perhaps.
I
used the word ‘reconciled’ because my own mother was a SAHM for 40 years (I am
one of 10 children), and although she never expressed a desire to have done
anything else, she undeniably lost herself in the process with ultimately devastating
consequences. (I don’t wish to air recent family history here, but trust me on
this one.) This left me with hugely conflicting ideas about parenting; on the
one hand, the only role model I had was a SAHM, and I grew up thinking this was
what mothers should do. On the other hand, by the time I became pregnant, I had begun to realize
the toll it had taken on my mother, and I was also making my way in the world
independently, and was determined not to lose sight of that. The need to stop
work for the depression, and the consequent struggle to re-invent myself has
been without doubt one of the greatest challenges of my life.
I am proud to say that I now
feel strong in my own choices, and proud of my role as a mother. But I am also trying
to carve out some space for me in what little ‘spare’ time I have: I’ve started doing a bit of private tutoring, joined the More Than A Mum twitter book club, started
this blog as a way of rediscovering my writing and feeling part of the wider
world, and set up a small jewellery business (www.morganandpink.co.uk), and one day soon I'll get my flute out again, Trying to fit everything in sometimes feels like trying to stuff a duvet into a tea-bag, but that's another story...
3. Freestyle – got your own point you’d like to
get across on this issue? Here’s your chance…
I
think as a society we find it too easy to define people by their jobs – meet someone
for the first time and the chances are they'll ask you what you do. And as has been said many times before,
if you say you’re a stay at home mum, people either look disappointed and try
to find someone else to talk to, or they try again and ask “But what did you do
before?” The implication? That parenting
is not considered valuable, or worthy of discussion.
People also think you're wasting your education by staying at home instead of working, especially if you have a good degree from a good university. But think about it - we are bringing up the
next generation; we are shaping the minds of those who will run this place
after us. We are guiding their earliest thoughts and forming their core understanding of the world. Is that really a waste of time? But we live in a society that apparently values celebrity and glamour above all things practical, life-saving, educational or nurturing, and in this climate I don't see much hope that parents will ever receive the recognition they deserve.
Parenting is a
huge job, and mothers in particular (since mothers still do most of this work)
need support, regardless of whether
they are SAHMs or holding down a paid
job too: they need to be valued, praised, honoured
for the massive task they undertake, day in, day out. It is a standing joke that the only things parents
can talk about is their childen’s poo or their own lack of sleep; it is endlessly disappointing that for many people their understanding of a mother's work begins and ends with this demoralising and demeaning cliché.
I
tag Curly Mum
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